As the world returned to some normalcy in 2022, the Newby Awards hoped to produce an awards show that featured all the elegance and decorum that were our imaginary hallmarks in the pre-COVID-19 era.
So Will Smith beat up Chris Rock at the Oscars.
Just like that, everything changed.
We had to beef up our fictional security team and pay much more attention to seat plans that don’t actually exist. It wouldn’t be nice if Nick Saban and Jimbo Fisher ended up at the same table, if we actually had tables.
So, hoping to avoid another face-off like Smith’s palm vs. Rock’s jaw, we bring you the 10th annual Newby Awards, a look at everything from the wacky to the inspiring to the infuriating in the sports world.
We only have one request.
No slapping please!
BEST PLAYER
If you’ve ever played a video game and wondered if your craziest move would actually work in real time, meet Ross Chastain.
The NASCAR driver nearly missed out on a spot in the championship finale when he recalled stock car racing on the GameCube. with his brother, Chad, as a child.
Specifically, a move where you slammed the car against the outside wall, released the steering wheel, and pushed the pedal all the way to the floor.
It worked just like in the video game. Suddenly, on the final half lap at the short track at Martinsville, Chastain’s car seemed to have accelerated while everyone else was pushing him.
Go at least 50 mph faster than everyone elsehe passed five cars in a matter of seconds to claim the last spot in the title race.
“I played a lot of NASCAR 2005 on the GameCube with Chad growing up,” Chastain said. “I never knew if it would really work.”
Unfortunately, he did not win the Cup championship. But Chastain will long be remembered for one of the most daring driving displays in NASCAR history.
PROFILE IN COURAGE
With his time as one of boxing’s most fearsome competitors behind him, Vitali Klitschko faces the toughest fight of his life.
Kyiv Mayor.
The 51-year-old former heavyweight champion has shown steely determination as he contemplates a Russian invasion that has hit Ukraine and its capital.
He never backed down with gloves on his hands. He shows that same determination. as a political leader, helping to guide a big underdog.
“If I were to try to explain to you all the challenges I have, it would take weeks,” Klitschko told an Associated Press reporter last month.
This is what a true hero looks like.
OLYMPIC CHEATING CUP
The Russians have a stranglehold on this prize, showing absolutely no regard for doping rules that could get in the way of Olympic glory.
At the Beijing Winter Games, they did it again.
Kamila Valieva, a 15-year-old figure skating phenomenon, has tested positive for a banned substance but he was still allowed to go for the gold.
It ended up being an embarrassing display. The sad girl crumbled under all the scrutiny and criticism, and she failed to medal in the women’s singles.
While Valieva’s collapse was seen as a bit of karma by those who actually play by the rules, it doesn’t seem to deter the Russians and their ill-fated quest for gold at the upcoming Olympics.
DESPOT CERTIFICATE
We have a tie for this award.
FIFA was a lock after hosting the World Cup in a Middle Eastern country that ignored human rights and mistreated migrant workersIt had little football history and it was so hot in the summer that they had to move the tournament to November and December.
Basically, FINA sent a request with a requirement: “Show us the money!” qatar madeand embarrassingly ended up with the biggest sporting (washing) event in the world.
The fact that Argentina defeated France in perhaps the most exciting final in the tournament’s history it does not lessen the stench of where it was played.
But when it comes to greed, let’s not forget Phil Mickelson & Friends at LIV Golfa pop-up tour financed by a seemingly limitless supply of money from Saudi Arabia’s repressive rulers.
Lefty acknowledged that the Saudis were “scary,” but went to work for them anyway, bringing Dustin Johnson, Patrick Reed, Cameron Smith and others along for the despicable ride.
TEAM OF THE YEAR
Baseball can be a very tedious game.
Try saying that to the Savannah Bananas..
The barnstorming team based in the historic Georgia seaside town has taken the country by storm, transforming the old national pastime into something akin to the Harlem Globetrotters with bats and gloves.
Non-stop dance routines are performed by players and coaches. Banana Baby introduces himself to the crowd as Simba in “The Lion King.” A player jumps onto the field on towering stilts. Others stroll through the stands, handing out roses and tossing jerseys. Putouts are counted when a fan catches a foul ball in the stands. Exhibitionism is encouraged at every opportunity.
Somewhere there is a baseball game, although it can’t last more than two hours.
“We are not in the baseball business. We are in the entertainment business,” says Bananas owner Jesse Cole, who is always easy to spot in his yellow tuxedo.
IZZY APPRECIATION AWARD
Izzy, Atlanta’s ill-fated Olympic mascot, was finally able to hold up his doe-eyed, computer-generated head. after all these years.
By the time the Paris 2024 Games unveiled its mascots, a pair of French Revolution-era caps, Izzy was no longer the worst symbol in Olympic history.
When given her statuette, Izzy revealed a wry sense of humor.
“What is?” she asked her.
THE HUMAN FUND
For this award, we are making a donation to the charity invented by George Costanza. in honor of the sports figure who actually proved to be human in 2022.
Tom Brady.
His seemingly perfect life showed many cracks, ever since a playoff loss. to an aborted retirement to a glamorous marriage that unfortunately ended in divorce.
And now, Brady is the quarterback of a Buccaneers middleweight squad that could be the first of his incredible 23-year career to end with a losing record.
It even lost to a team whose quarterback was someone named Brock Purdy.by the humiliating score of 35-7.
PRIZE REVOKED
While we’re on the subject of Brady, we’d like to take a moment to strip his former coach, Bill Belichick, of any genius awards he’s received over the years.
Sure, Belichick is closing in on becoming the winningest coach in NFL history.
But, on the final play of a tied game in Las Vegas, he apparently signed off on the ridiculous call of throwing the ball recklessly like it’s an offer to get into cryptocurrency. The Raiders intercepted a back throw and surprisingly brought it the other way for the game-winning touchdown.
There have been many standout moments in Belichick’s long career.
Undoubtedly, this was the lowest it has ever gone.
With that, we’ll bring down the curtain on another Newby Awards.
Fortunately, no one seems to leave with a slap on the cheek.
___
Paul Newberry is the national sports columnist for The Associated Press. Write to pnewberry(at)ap.org.
___
AP Sports: https://apnews.com/hub/sports and https://twitter.com/AP_Sports
